The Sandwitch of Power!
by deke-core
Summary: *complete* What would have happened if Sauron did not forge a ring, but a sandwich instead? Frodo tries to keep it away from the hungry hobbits and bear listening to Gandalf shout fool alot as he makes his way to the Garbage Disposal of Doom!!
1. The sandwitch goes to frodo

The sandwich of power!  
  
The following read in a spooky, dark voice:  Long ago, the sandwiches of power  
  
were made - nine ham and Swiss for mortal men, three provolone, roast beef and  
  
lettuce to the elves, and seven turkey for the dwarves.  
  
   But little did they know that the Dark Lord Sauron was forging the One  
  
Sandwich from which he could rule all others - two slices of enriched wonder  
  
bread, pepper jack cheese, bologna, and the ever dangerous spicy mustard sauce.  
  
   And as Sauron sat down to eat his sandwich, Isildur arrived, declaring, 'that  
  
looks like a good sandwich, may I have a bite?'  
  
   The dark lord boomed, 'no!  make yourself your own damn sandwich!'  from  
  
which a terrible fist fight ensued, during which Isildur drew his sword and cut  
  
off the hand of Sauron, and made off with the loot.  
  
   Over the years, it fell by chance to Gollum, and then by a very interesting  
  
story too bold to be told on these simple pages, it fell by chance to Bilbo  
  
Baggins, and here our story begins... (end spooky voice)  
  
Biblo is in his house, his 1111th birthday approaching. Gandalf appears at the  
  
doorstep.  
  
   'Hi gandalf!,' says Bilbo.  
  
   'Hi Biblo,' Gandalf replied, 'do you still mean to leave?'  
  
   'Yes, I have given everything to Frodo.'  
  
   'Even that "thing"?'  
  
   'What thing?'  
  
   'Oh, that damn sandwich you carry around with you everywhere you go!'  
  
   Biblo looks down to his obviously bulging pocket.  
  
   'Hey, I didn't think anyone could notice.'  
  
   'They do.  They've been laughing at you for years, but come now, will you  
  
give it to Frodo?'  
  
   'Oh, I don't' know...I mean, I've had it all these years and I've never even  
  
taken a bite out of it yet... I wonder if it's better than subway?'  
  
   'Don't be a fool!  Give it up!'  
  
   'Shut up, Gandalf!  It's my sandwich, mine!  MINE!'  
  
   Gandalf seems to grow in size, and the room gets dark.  
  
   ' Bilbo!  Give up the sandwich, you've had it for too long!'  
  
   Biblo over comes his brief fear.  
  
   'I'll say.  It's been 50 years and it still hasn't gotten moldy.'  
  
   'Well,' Gandalf replies, with insight to the sandwiches past, 'it is around  
  
3000 years old.'  
  
   'Ah!,' Biblo cries, and he drops the sandwich.  It falls with a thud.  
  
   'Hmm, it didn't seem that heavy.'  
  
   Biblo gets up and goes to the door.  
  
   'Bye Gandalf.'  
  
   'Bye Bilbo.'  
  
   Frodo shows up.  
  
   'Hi Biblo!'  
  
   'Hey, yer not suppose to know I'm leaving!'  
  
   'Oh,' Frodo says.  
  
   Biblo is gone, and Frodo notices the sandwich.  
  
   'Aww, crap, he left me that ridiculous sandwich of his.'  
  
   ' I wouldn't say that... for it is a SANDWICH OF POWER!!'  
  
   Frodo looks confused.  
  
   'Sandwich of power?'  
  
   'Yes, it is filled with the greedy, heartlessness of the dark lord.  Eat it,  
  
and you are consumed by his will!'  
  
   'What?!  Wouldn't' that have been much easier just to put all that in something  
  
more practical, like a ring?'  
  
   'Shhh!,' Gandalf hushes, 'you must leave soon, Frodo! The nine sandwich  
  
wraiths will be after you!'  
  
   'Oh, no! Servants of the dark lord!'  
  
   'Well...no.  Actually, they just like sandwiches a lot...sort of on the quest  
  
for "the big one".'  
  
   'Why don't I just give it to them?,' Frodo asks.  
  
   'Fool!  Speak not of the logical!'  
  
   'Sorry.'  
  
   There is a noise outside the window.  Gandalf leans out and pulls Sam into  
  
the room.  
  
   'What are you doing here?'  
  
   'I was just walking by and heard all sort of talk of a really good sandwich  
  
and all...' Sam muttered nervously.  
  
   'What?!!,' Frodo booms, 'What, the party wasn't filling enough for you?  And  
  
what an insult! That will be the last time I will ever see Biblo!'  
  
   Bilbo is in the door.  
  
   ' Came back for the sandwich.'  
  
   ' I thought I told you to leave,' Gandalf shouts.  Biblo walks away  
  
dejectedly.  
  
   ' Now,' Gandalf says, turning to Frodo, 'you must go to the garbage disposal  
  
of doom to dispense of this -'  
  
   ' I've got a garbage disposal here,' says Frodo, and he casts the sandwich in  
  
his sink.  He turns on the disposal and chunks of sandwich fly everywhere.  The  
  
engine struggles, and Frodo turns it off.  He reaches in and takes out the  
  
sandwich - magically whole!  
  
   'Wow, there is writing on here!,' Frodo exclaims.  
  
   'No, that's just cuts from that garbage disposal, fool!,' Gandalf cries, 'Now  
  
GO ON YOUR QUEST! and whatever you do, do not eat the sandwich!' 


	2. The sandwitch wraith!

Frodo walks through the shire, Sam following behind.  
  
   'Master Frodo, that really smells like it might taste good, can't I have  
  
some?'  
  
   'No!'  
  
   Merry and Pippin arrive.  
  
   'What might taste good?,' asks Pippin.  
  
   'The sandwich that Frodo won't share,' Sam says.  
  
   'He won't?,' Merry asks in horror.  
  
   'No, he's just going to throw it away!,' Sam replies.  
  
   'No!  He can't!,' all the hobbits (except Frodo) shout.  Frodo suddenly  
  
wheels on them, drawing forth the sandwich.  
  
   'Fine, eat some of this 3,000 year old sandwich!'  
  
   'Uh!,' the 3 hobbits groan, recoiling in terror.  Suddenly, a sandwich wraith  
  
appears!  shock!  horror!  scary music!  
  
   The four hobbits hide.  The sandwich wraith begins to sniff around.  Frodo is  
  
suddenly over taken by the desire to eat the sandwich.  He holds it close to his  
  
mouth, about to take a bite - when Pippin hits him.  
  
   'Hey, no fair!  Share it!'  
  
   The sandwich wraith grabs Frodo.  
  
   'The sandwich!,' it croaks.  
  
   The rest of the hobbits attack the wraith, and it drops Frodo.  Frodo, though,  
  
had been stabbed in the process by a...  
  
   'Fork!,' Frodo cries, 'We must get to bree!' 


	3. Rivendell!

   The hobbits get to bree and go to the Prancing Pony.  
  
   'What we need is someone who knows a lot about sandwiches.'  
  
   Strider appears.  
  
   'Hey, I used to be a chef!'  
  
   'What can you tell me about this, then?,' says Frodo, holding up the sandwich  
  
of power.  Strider immediately hides it from view.  
  
    'Fools!'  
  
   Sandwich wraiths appear out of no where - under tables, behind doors,  
  
disguised as women.  
  
   Strider draws forth his sword, they draw kitchen utensils.  
  
   'Man, all we want is some of that sandwich...'  
  
   'Heathens!,' cries strider as he slashes at them.  The wraiths find their  
  
weapons useless, if not too comical.   They leave.  
  
   Strider turns to the hobbits.  
  
   'We must make for the great land of Rivendell, where we can talk about this  
  
is secret.'  
  
   Everyone in the bar begins making plans to each other is whispers.  
  
   'Uh, I mean, uh... Moria!,' strider says.  The bar is filled with the sounds  
  
of people changing their plans in whispers.  
  
    Strider and the hobbits make for Rivendell.  On the way, they stop on  
  
Weathertop, and they run into the ever present horror of the sandwich wraiths!  
  
    'Why don't you leave us alone!,' Frodo cries.  The wraiths stop advancing and  
  
huddle.  They talk quickly to each other, and then turn on Frodo.  They begin to  
  
sulk off threatening into the woods, leaving Strider and the hobbits alone.  
  
    The reach Rivendell!  Amid such peril!  Frodo meets Elrond.  
  
    'Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Anderson,' Elrond says in a monotone voice.  
  
    '  It's Frodo,' Frodo says.  
  
    'Mr. Frodo,' Elrond corrects himself,' it seems that you have been leading  
  
two lives.  Now, one of these lives has a future, and one of them does not.'  
  
    'Stop that, Elrond!,' Strider steps in, 'that's the wrong movie!'  
  
    'Sorry,' Elrond replies, 'but, yes, we are holding a council now about that  
  
sandwich of yours.'  
  
    'How did you know about it?,' Frodo asks in awe.  
  
    '  I'm an elf, you idiot!'  
  
    At the council, lot of folks gather to talk about the sandwich.  Strider  
  
stands up.  
  
    ' I am the heir of Isildur!'  All are silent in obvious disregard to  
  
history.  
  
    ' The hand-chopper-offer!,' Strider adds.  
  
     All gasp in alarm.  
  
    ' Then it doesn't belong to me at all!,' Frodo exclaims and offers the  
  
sandwich to Strider.  Strider is repulsed.  
  
    'Do not tempt me!,' he cries, 'I'm a vegetarian!'  
  
    'Now, now,' Elrond says,' we must talk about the history of this  
  
sandwich...but as that would be too long and boring, let's just figure out who  
  
will destroy it.'  
  
     'Done and done,'  Merry and Pippin say as they take the sandwich and  
  
prepare to eat it.  
  
    'Not like that, you fools!,' Gandalf shouts, 'and its a wonder that you  
  
hobbits aren't so fat you can no longer walk to food!'  
  
    All the hobbits lower their heads in shame.  
  
    Legolas stands up, 'now, we can't keep lowering their self esteem in the  
  
matter, we need them to do all the dirty work.'  
  
    'Oh, yeah,' Gandalf mumbles.  
  
    'Now,' Elrond says, 'we must destroy the sandwich of power in the garbage  
  
disposal of doom!'  
  
    'I'll go!,' says Gimli, and then, to hide the drool collecting at the corner  
  
of his mouth and the way he had been eyeing the sandwich all during the meeting,  
  
he added, 'uh...cuz I'm brave.'  
  
    Everyone nods in agreement.  
  
    Legolas stands up again.  
  
    'I will go to.'  
  
    'I'm greedy,' borimir says,' so I'll go too.'  
  
    Strider shrugs his shoulder and says, 'I'll go so I can please my  
  
grandparents.'  
  
    He holds up a family history book.  
  
    'They're always on my case about putting something interesting in there.'  
  
    'And I will go too,' says Gandalf.  
  
    ' Why's that?,' asks Elrond.  
  
    'Because!  You fool!  Don't ask the obviously explainable from me!  I  
  
wouldn't know!'  
  
    'But who is going to carry the sandwich?,' Frodo asks.  
  
   Everyone looks at him, as though impatient.  
  
    ' Oh,' he says gloomily, ' I guess I will.'  
  
    All nod in agreement.  
  
    'Well, I'm going to go to,' says Sam.  Everyone nods in agreement.  
  
    'And me!,' Merry cries.  
  
    'Me too!,' Pippin says.  
  
    'Well, that's nine,' Elrond says, ' It will be you against those sandwich  
  
wraiths... now, go!' 


	4. The misadventures of legolas

    The fellowship leave Rivendell, and make towards the mountains.  Gandalf  
  
leads them up Catharas.  It is snowing a lot.  All are stumbling in the snow  
  
except for Legolas, who is impatient.  
  
    'Oh, come on,' legolas says, 'it's only a few feet of snow.'  
  
    ' Gandalf!,' Strider cries, 'We must turn back.'  
  
     ' No, you fool!-'  
  
But Gandalf falls and is no where to be seen.  He is lost in the snow.  A few  
  
moment's pass, and his head appears from out of the snow.  
  
    ' I see your point.'  
  
    'Well, how are we going to get out of this mess?,' asks Gimli.  
  
    Everyone turns and looks at Legolas.  
  
    After a few minutes, the company convinced Legolas to carry everyone down  
  
the mountain, since, after all, he didn't fall in the snow.  One by one, Legolas  
  
carried, dragged, and threw all the company to shallower snow.  
  
    Once everyone was safely down the mountain, Legolas collapses.  He appears  
  
to be dead.  
  
    "Hey, I thought elves were immortal!,' Frodo exclaims.  
  
    'Oh, they are,' says Gandalf, brushing snow off of his robes, 'his life is  
  
just flashing before his eyes... we may away well set up camp, this might take a  
  
while.'  
  
    In a few hours time, Legolas stirs.  
  
    'Wow!,' he says,' my life just flashed before my eyes'  
  
    ' Yes, we know,' Gimli says angrily. 


	5. Moria!!!!

Without fail the fellowship begin to make their way to Moria!!!  They happen  
  
upon the gate even though no one really knew where to look.  
  
'what does that say?,' says Frodo when he sees the door.  
  
'can't you read?,' Legolas ridicules.  
  
'no..,' Frodo mumbles.  
  
Sam laughs at him.  
  
' it says,' Gandalf announces, 'speak something-er other... and enter!'  
  
'that's not what it says!,' Gimli steps in, ' it says, 'this is a mine!  A  
  
MINE!''  
  
' you both are crazy! stop assuming such nonsense!,' strider replies, ' but I  
  
don't know what it says.'  
  
'it's written in elvish,' Legolas notes.  
  
' oh, shut up!  stupid elf!,' Gimli shouts.  
  
'yeah, at least I'll live forever!,' Legolas shouts back.  
  
Gimli lunges forwards and knocks Legolas down.  what next ensues is a fist fight  
  
of enormous proportions.  Gandalf continues to deceiver the door-writing without  
  
notice.  
  
'no...no...no,' Gandalf mutters as he goes through all the possibilities in his  
  
head.  
  
nearby the hobbits huddle.  
  
'I'm starving,' Frodo says.  
  
'so? I'm cold,' merry puts in.  
  
'yeah, but you don't have to carry FOOD with you that you can't eat,' Frodo  
  
looks down at the sandwich.  
  
for no apparent reason at all, Legolas suddenly shouts out the elvish word for  
  
friend.  the doors open.  wow!  
  
the entire fellowship are about to run inside the doors, when...  
  
'hey! there's that guy from the bar!,' a mob is descending upon the fellowship, a  
  
mass of drunken fools from the prancing pony!  
  
'yeah! that's the guy who said there was going to be a secret meeting!,' another  
  
shouts out, 'we were stuck here for months!  we went like the Donner party and  
  
ate each other!  and now it looks like they may be HAVING  a secret meeting!  
  
let's get 'em!'  
  
the mob advances on the fellowship.  
  
the fellowship yells in franticness and everyone runs into Moria.  
  
'now what do we do?,' Frodo wonders.  
  
'there's a rumor that there is a terrible monster that lives in that lake,'  
  
Gandalf suddenly remembers.  
  
in an instant, the entire drunken mob is grabbed up by the terribly  
  
octopus-like monster.  they are all eaten.  the fellowship all relax.  
  
'yeah! at least that mob is taken care of!,' strider says.  but, no! the monster  
  
sees them and begins to come after them!  
  
the fellowship yells in franticness as they all begin to run away.  they run  
  
further and further into Moria, even days after there was no more sign of the  
  
monster.  they went to sleep and when they woke up, they just began screaming  
  
again and running.  
  
'hey, this isn't fair,' strider says as he runs along side Gandalf, 'you know  
  
that we aren't in anymore danger!'  
  
'yes, but we're making great timing,' Gandalf replies.  
  
'why talk of running?!,' Boromir suggests,' we should stand our ground and slay  
  
the accursed beast!'  
  
'but it's been days since we've even seen it,' Legolas says.  
  
'fool!,' Boromir shouts,' it's a sneaky octopus!'  
  
everyone stops, completely exhausted.  except for Legolas.  
  
'oh, come on, it's only been a few days,' he says impatiently.  there is a loud  
  
thud.  
  
'what was that?,' Frodo asks.  
  
there is a sound of some monstrous beast sniffing.  
  
'oh no!,' Gimli shouts, 'it's.. it's...a crave troll!'  
  
' don't you mean a cave troll?,' pippin asks.  
  
'no, don't you see?  it craves the best of foods!  and Frodo is holding the  
  
sandwich of power!  which no mortal can resist!'  
  
'oh, no! Frodo,' Sam says, and looks around for Frodo.  he is no where to be  
  
seen.  
  
no, Frodo is in the hands of the monstrous crave troll!  
  
'help!,' Frodo cries as the troll searches for the sandwich.  the fellowship all  
  
stand around and scratch their heads, looking at the floor, kicking rocks, and  
  
thinking.  
  
'with your weapons!,' Frodo says more franticly.  
  
and with great suddenness, the fellowship descends on the crave troll, slashing  
  
away at it's body.  the troll is unaffected.  one by one, it throws all the  
  
fellowship away.  
  
'who will help me?,' Frodo cries out.  
  
and suddenly, there is a great murmur.  it is the giant octopus!  come at last!  
  
the crave troll throws Frodo aside, and the two monsters battle like combatants  
  
in a Godzilla movie.  
  
'let's hurry!,' Gandalf suggests.  the fellow ship begins to run away, over the  
  
bridge of kazadoom.  when suddenly, Gandalf trips!  and falls into the deep  
  
chasm!  
  
'no!,' the fellowship cries out.  
  
'fly you fool!,' comes the voice of Gandalf.  
  
'he wants that we all get away safely!,' strider says.  
  
'no,' the voice of Gandalf returns, ' I'm telling myself to fly!  fly you fool!  
  
fly!'  
  
the fellowship runs away, and reach the end of Moria.  
  
'and you said it would be pretty here,' Legolas says critically to Gimli. 


	6. celeborn searches for something fun to d...

The fellowship reaches the wonderful land of Loth-lorien. Lots of elves are around. They meet Celeborn and Galadriel. Gimli does not seem very impressed.  
  
" but where are all the caves?," he wonders aloud in obvious disgust.  
  
" oh, we just came from a cave, and see what kind of luck that brought us?," Legolas replied.  
  
" What do you mean?," says Celeborn. No one notices that he has said anything at all.  
  
" You are missing a number of your fellowship," Galadriel says sadly.  
  
Everyone begins to talk to Galadriel about how terrible it was that Gandalf fell into the gigantic abyss.  
  
" Oh, well, he'll come out all right," Galadriel says, and then notices that she has just spoiled the second movie, replies quickly, " Ummmm, I mean…. For a wizard…" She is silent, but everyone is still hanging on her every word.  
  
" At least he is safe from the Belrog," Celeborn says. No one is paying any attention. Meanwhile, in Moria, Gandalf is having an imaginary battle on top of the mountain with the imaginary Belrog.  
  
The Belrog and the watcher of the lake watch intently.  
  
" Well, that's wizards for you," the Belrog replied.  
  
In Loth-Lorien, still no one is paying attention to Celeborn as he says to himself, "We could always go back to Moria and rescue Gandalf… I mean, he's a very important character. Without him, I mean, we would lose hours of entertaining babbling. We should go and rescue him!"  
  
Celeborn shouts with excitement, and then notices that no one is around at all.  
  
" I will go alone!," Celeborn shouts to himself, "I will do something so some one will notice that I am alive at last!"  
  
Celeborn runs off towards Moria, though in the excitement of doing something to get himself noticed, he forgot to take any sort of weaponry or anything really at all.  
  
In the Meantime, Gandalf falls off the mountain while the Belrog and the watcher of the lake watch.  
  
" I've got dibs on that cool hat!," the Belrog growls.  
  
" Damn you!," the octopus shouts, " I want that hat!"  
  
" But it will fit the features of my face!," the Belrog replies angrily. The two monsters have another gargantuan battle in which the watcher of the lake is thrown back into the lake and the Belrog waits patiently for Gandalf to fall. However, during all this, Gandalf was saved by the giant eagle, and is safe from harm. The Belrog waits patiently at the foot of the mountains until the end of time.  
  
" Don't worry Gandalf!," Celeborn replies, " I am coming to save you!"  
  
Overhead, the eagle flies by. Gandalf shouts down to Celeborn, " I am already saved, you fool!"  
  
Undaunted, Celeborn continues to Moria.  
  
On the way, he sees a house burning on fire.  
  
" Wow!," Celeborn replies, watching the flames, "This is my chance to try out being a hero!" He runs towards the burning house, and kicks in the door. Ash flies everywhere.  
  
" My eyes!," Celeborn screams, "Now my eyesight has been foiled! Damn you door!"  
  
In the meantime, Tom Cruise comes out from nowhere and rescues the family that was within the house. Everyone celebrates the bravery of the actor, while Celeborn shuffles away to find Moria.  
  
On the way, Celeborn sees a womyn drowning in a river.  
  
" Oh no!," Celeborn shouts, " This is yet another chance for me to prove myself as a wonderful hero!"  
  
He approaches the river, and then stops. He stands around waiting, as though expecting something to happen.  
  
Out of nowhere, Helen Hunt arrives and rescues the drowning womyn. Celeborn walks away dejectedly, mumbling to himself about how little he would ever get done if all these high profile Hollywood stars don't stop ruining his heroicness.  
  
" Oh, screw this!," he laments finally. He is standing at the gates of Moria. Celeborn turns around and goes home. Once he gets back to Loth- Lorien, he finds Galadriel.  
  
" So," he says as though he was never gone, " Where is Frodo and that sandwich of his?"  
  
" They've been gone for a few months now," Galadriel says, alarmed at his sudden appearance, " You've missed them."  
  
" Oh, bother," Celeborn replies, and goes and sits in a corner as all the elves of Loth-Lorien celebrate how wonderful Galadriel is. 


	7. the partying of the fellowship

While Celeborn was off doing wonderful deeds, the fellowship was going through some turmoil.  
  
Boromir is chasing Frodo around shouting, "That sandwich is mine, mine! Give it to me! And I shall be the all-powerful chef man!"  
  
Boromir knocks Frodo to the ground, and Frodo, not knowing what else to do, takes a bit out of the sandwich. He is invisible.  
  
Boromir stands up and looks around. He starts shouting at the sky, declaring, "Now I know your evil plan! You will eat all the sandwich and leave no scraps to stray dogs!!! How dare you! Come back so I can show you a real sandwich eating!"  
  
Of course, Frodo took this time to get away.  
  
He is wandering around, looking at things.  
  
" Wow," he says to himself, " Being invisible isn't all that bad. It's kind of neat."  
  
Frodo sees the rest of the fellowship as they sit around the river. Frodo walks up to them, and shouts.  
  
" I am the boogie man!" why he said this, no one will ever know, but the effect it had on the Fellowship was incredible. Aragorn jumped up from where he was sitting, and for no apparent reason, started to run up the hill and out of sight. Gimli merely ran into the river and started to swim for the other side. Legolas looked up at the sky, and muttered to himself, as though just stumbling upon a realization, " There's no Santa Clause!" And the three hobbits raided the other's packs in search of food.  
  
Frodo laughed to himself, and started to walk towards one of the boats.  
  
During all of this time, Boromir was fighting a ton of orcs.  
  
" Damn you!," he shouted, " You came for the sandwich, didn't you? Well, I am it's rightful owner!" (Boromir still under the dreadful effect the sandwich has on people)  
  
All the orcs stop attacking and reply, " Really? You are the Dark Lord?"  
  
" YES!," Boromir shouts, and begins to laugh devilishly.  
  
" What do you wish of us?," the orcs ask, eager to help their 'master.'  
  
" Go get the sandwich, you idiots!," Boromir shouts. The orcs run to where Aragorn was secretly listening and attacked him. He hacks away at the orcs, and Boromir, watching and feeling left out of the killing, slices mercilessly at a nearby tree.  
  
" Boromir!," Aragorn shouts at Boromir, " Please help me!"  
  
The orcs stop their attack, and turn towards Boromir.  
  
" Hey, you're not the Dark Lord!," the all shouted, and becoming suddenly very efficient killers, they all shoot arrows and stuff like that at Boromir. He falls over dead.  
  
The orcs suddenly run away, leaving Aragorn alone.  
  
" Why did no one try to help me?" Boromir asks Aragorn.  
  
" Because you didn't blow on that stupid horn!" Aragorn replies.  
  
Boromir blows the horn. Thousands of people show up to help.  
  
" Oh, crap!," Boromir laments, " I thought that it was only a myth."  
  
He dies.  
  
" Those were shitty last words," Aragorn shouts.  
  
" Oh," Boromir is alive again, " If you ever see Frodo again, tell him that I feel sorry for trying to take the sandwich from him."  
  
" You did!" Aragorn replies, shocked.  
  
" Maybe."  
  
" Those were nice last words," a nearby person exclaims.  
  
" I was only lying," Boromir replies, returning from the dead a second time, " I don't feel sorry."  
  
" Well that was terrible!," Aragorn replied, " He died twice, and didn't say anything at all about his mother!"  
  
Meanwhile, as Aragorn desperately attempts to get a dead Boromir to say something fitting for last words, Merry and Pippin are caught by orcs.  
  
" Why not me?," a nearby Sam asks an orc.  
  
" You think that we're going to want to have to carry even more hobbits across Rohan?," the ask angrily, " What we have to go through for you miserable beings! And this part doesn't look promising at all!" They are looking at the part about the riders of Rohan in a copy of Lord of the Rings.  
  
" But didn't Saruman want all the hobbits?," one orc asks.  
  
But Sam is missing.  
  
" Oh, where is Boromir," Merry asks, " I thought he was suppose to help us."  
  
" Well," Pippin replies, " At least we don't have to watch him die."  
  
" That's right."  
  
The orc march away. Gimli is still swimming around in the river and Legolas has not moved the entire time. He is still looking up at the sky. " Now, what on earth could Frodo mean?"  
  
Sam runs up to the shore and sees that one of the boats is sailing away without anyone in it.  
  
" Wait, Mr. Frodo!," Sam calls and jumps belly first into the river. He begins to drown.  
  
" Why the hell did you do that for?" Frodo asks. He was standing on the short, not invisible, the entire time. Sam is drowning.  
  
" I was just going to start walking on this side of the river, seems a little impractical to take a boat, they'll all know where I went!," Frodo is shouting. Sam meanwhile is still drowning.  
  
" But there are orcs on this side of the river," Sam calls out.  
  
" Oh, poo," Frodo laments, and gets another boat and rows to where Sam no longer is.  
  
" No wonder I have no parents," Frodo says as he reaches into the river and draws Sam up into the boat. And they sail away towards Mordor. 


End file.
